What I want and How I feel

My life isn't the worst I have ever heard about so I really don't know what I am complaining about. My life honestly would probably make a perfect tragedy movie. Maybe I mean I go through life with the fear of one thing love. I don't know what it is or how it is supposed to work so I pretend it is all fake. Love is not real to me. I know it exists I know everytime I tell people I think it doesn't exist I am lying to them. I need to tell that lie because it makes my pain a little easier to handle. I need to lie to them and to me so maybe life won't be so bad. I am a lier but sometimes lies need to be told. I will not deny the truth in this post but I do ask my true friends to let me continue to lie to them and me. Of course to the friends that would semi get this blog are the ones that are already aware of the lies I tell to protect myself, my wall. I almost let my wall down to the wrong person and now it will be harder for it to be cracked. Honestly I should not have put down in the slightest. I know I need help I know I need to get over this ever living pain and numbness. It hurts me to see happy couple it hurts me to see people cry about something that really doesn't matter. I want to be able to be normal to love but sometimes things aren't as the appear and I hope one day I will find a guy that loves me no matter how I am. That will take me in for my solid wall who will be the one I can tell everything that I can love. I just wanna someone to take me in for all my hurt my pain my numbness my bitchyness my hurt my memories my everything. I JUST WANNA BE ME. even that means crying every now and then in the middle of lunch to remind people I have feelings and more then anything I have PAIN wich is what I feel all I feel 3/4 of the time.